What if UT bachelor studies had 'honest' slogans?

| Bas Leijser

‘The Lister’ is a biweekly series created by Bas Leijser, a UT MSc-student and writer at U-Today, who seeks to create order from chaos through the use of listicles. This time, he lists 'honest' descriptions of each of the BSc studies at the University of Twente.

We all know that the Twente Open Days are basically magician acts, where you get to witness a lot of activities that you will never experience during your study. Not to mention the exaggerated career prospects! So what if the bachelor studies had 'honest' slogans? This is what they could look like.

Advanced Technology

‘What do you study?’

Advanced Technology’

‘Good for you. I study Evolved Advanced Technology though.’

‘Oh yeah, well they’re considering renaming my study to Master Evolved Advanced Technology. That’s how good it is.’

‘Sorry, my voice modulator was using auto correct, I meant to say that I study Supreme Master Evolved Advanced Technology.’

Applied Physics

This is a good study for math nerds who are too smart to become engineers (or consider themselves to be so), yet struggle to emulate human behaviour. You will learn how to understand the entire universe, except people. Then you’re just screwed. Also, everything you learned last week is now wrong.

Applied Mathematics

This study is quite similar to Applied Physics, but with actual math. One note of warning: prepare to forever be bothered by people who think you studied how to be a calculator. Like when you have to divide the bill at a restaurant.

Biomedical Technology

From learning how to design an electrochemical blood sensor to working with PET-CT scanners, it’s all here. We will teach you broad biomedical knowledge using our renowned ‘a kilometre wide, millimetre deep’ knowledge transfer approach. We consider this to be the perfect preparation for jobs that require highly specialized and focused knowledge. No money back guarantee.

Business & IT

Easy study that at first sight seems to be practically relevant (hint: it is not).

Chemical Engineering

Don’t choose this study if you want to blow things up (you can, but you have to suffer through physical chemistry first). Also don’t pick this study if you are passionate about chemistry, since we will mostly teach you about processes and how to work with equipment in manufacturing and power plants. If this makes you depressed, well, take comfort in knowing that alcohol is a solution.

Civil Engineering

Take this study and you will never trust bridges again. You are basically an inferior, static mechanical engineer, and Bob the Builder has a better future than you do. You will also consider yourself to be superior than students of physics and mathematics, so ignore them while you fail to grasp Newton’s second law or imaginative numbers.

Communication Science

With each passing year, you will become more adapt at convincing your friends that your degree in Communication Science is somehow useful.

Creative Technology

Recipe for making Creative Technology:

Take the most easily digestible parts of Advanced Technology, add the worst portions of Sociology and IT, some creativity for seasoning, LSD for enhanced imagination, and don’t forget the salt. Put everything in a blender and mix until a horrible mess comes out. I hope you’re creative at job interviews. Apply cold water to burned area.

Electrical Engineering

Here, the numbers you will work with are mostly imaginary, and the same is true for the women.

Health Sciences

This is the Arts major of Twente. Don’t date a Civil Engineer, he will tell you that the bridge you will be living under for the rest of your life isn’t safe.

Industrial Design

Imaginary engineering.

Industrial Engineering and Management

This is a good study if you are scared of doing any of the real engineering studies, like mechanical or chemical engineering, but have enough self-respect to not pick any of the business majors.

International Business Administration

Golden rule: never pick a study with the word ‘international’ or ‘European’ in it. It’s overcompensation to hide the fact that the study has no meaningful content, and is meant to trick students into believing this is the easy road to a good job. It is one of the easiest roads to a BSc degree though.

Management, Society and Technology

You’re like the Mario of studies, the jack-of-all-trades, master of none. It’s like they were afraid to name the study ‘Everything’ so they chose this random order of three subjects. Good luck explaining to your future boss why your background makes you qualified for that specific job.

Mechanical Engineering

Even though you’ve only used a drill twice and never touched a welder, you will still tell people how they should build their jet engine. This study is best combined with a side-career in poker, you’re going to need those bluffing skills. Also, just like Electrical Engineering there are no girls at this study, but you can still go to third base with thermodynamics.

Psychology

You will learn all about what makes various people so depressed, while trying very hard not to get depressed yourself. This is one of the easiest roads to a MSc degree, so take comfort in that. If you like to hear yourself talk, try to become a psychotherapist. You will get paid to relate random people’s problems to your own and drone on endlessly.

Technical Computer Science

Sadly, this study was no longer relevant by the time you enrolled in it. A degree in Software Engineering would’ve been more practical. Also, all the cool IT kids dropped out of college, so what are you waiting for?

Technical Medicine

Nine out of ten dentists recommend this study.

What does this study prepare you for? Imagine a toilet attendant who has an assistant in charge of the automated flushing device, and then that would be your job. This is also the only study where your degree would be worth more if the word ‘Technical’ was removed from its name. Pretty impressive.

University College Twente (ATLAS)

We call ourselves a fulltime honours program, even though the whole idea of fulltime honours is that you spent an extra year on your BSc and this one only takes 3 years. Moreover, we call ourselves a ‘university college’, which is a bit similar to saying: ‘I went to elementary nursery school’. Last but not least, we named our study ATLAS, which sounds fancy but no one really knows what it means, and you’ll feel the weight of the world upon you as you have to explain all these weird terminologies to your job interviewer.