Paulus
'I have a confession to make. I wanna confess before all the people of the United States, that when I was young and irresponsible, I behaved young and irresponsible. I've been disloyal to my wife. I betrayed her with another woman. And I've been using drugs. Yes, my brothers and sisters, I've been using cocaine. But then I found the Lord. And the Lord opened my eyes. And I kneeled down for the Lord, crying: my Lord, I am a sinner, I shall be punished. But the Lord said, stand up, be strong, 'cause I have chosen you to lead my people away from this evil world, to guide them into the promised land. And from that day on, I've been truthful to my wife, loving and caring. And I took up the arms fighting a war against drugs, as no one ever did. Cause the Lord has chosen me to do so.'
Ondertussen is de zaal overeind gesprongen, handen klappend en halleluja roepend, bevangen door spirituals die sterker zijn dan het fijnst gesneden wit. O happy day, o happy day. En de democratische kandidaat ziet het allemaal verbijsterd aan. Zijn oordopje meldt hem dat de mensen thuis in tranen voor de buis zitten. En dan springt ook hij op, verovert de aandacht met een eindeloos Aaaaaa-men en hij belijdt:
'I too was a sinner. When I was making my fortune by trading cocaine, I've been disloyal to my wife as well. I betrayed her with another woman. And worse, when I got bored of my mistress, I was disloyal to my mistress too. Yes, my brothers and sisters, I betrayed my mistress with an 18 year old boy. And when I got tired of the boy, I found myself in bed with the Lord. And I fell down on my knees begging, oh Lord, have mercy, cause I've been doing wrong. Tell me, my Lord, how can I make this up to you? Shall I prosecute the drugdealers? Shall I punish the disloyal? Shall I cure the homosexuals? Please Lord, tell me what you want me to do! But the Lord answered: you foolish little man. If you wanna do well, just do well. Feed the poor. Help the helpless. And let the judgment up to me. Cause my kingdom will only be open for those who have been doing well. And from that day on I have been climbing the mountain of glory with the Lord as my shepherd.'
Twee dagen later wordt Jerry Springer gekozen als president van de Verenigde Staten.
